Best Picture (as described by the five Plot Keywords that IMDb lists)
Atonement: "Nurse," "Flashback Sequence," "Falsely Convicted," "Falsely Accused of Rape," "Chocolate"
Hmm. Well, I can see how someone would need chocolate after all that.
Juno: "Unwed Pregnancy," "Teen Pregnancy," "Pregnancy," "Sex," "Dark Comedy"
I would have thought the sex would come before all that pregnancy.
Michael Clayton: "Dark," "Eavesdropper," "Exploding Car," "Loft Apartment," "Crooked Lawyer"
Oh, it's one of those movies.
No Country for Old Men: "Hospital," "Blood," "River," "Gun," "Corpse"
I've seen this movie, and I can affirm that all those things are in there. I don't think I'd give the river such high billing, though.
There Will be Blood: "Beaten to Death," "Oil," "Shot in the Head," "Silver Mine," "Bowling Alley"
These seem more specific than the other movies.
Winner: Atonement, because its keywords sound more classy.
Best Actor (as described by my favorite movie they're in)
George Clooney: O Brother Where Art Thou?
Daniel Day-Lewis: Gangs of New York
Johnny Depp: Cry-Baby
Tommy Lee Jones: Natural Born Killers
Viggo Mortensen: The Lord of the Rings: Return of the King
Clooney and Depp got movies that make them sound either sad or missing. Day-Lewis has a gang, but Jones and Mortensen look like the front-runners. I think I take a King over a Killer, but it's close.
Winner: Viggo Mortensen
Best Actress (as described by my first thought when I see the name of their movie)
Cate Blanchett (Elizabeth: the Golden Age): I'm kind of tired of movies about British monarchs named "Elizabeth". How about a Victoria now and then? Or one of the guys?
Julie Christie (Away from Her): Remember when Ripley shouted "Get away from her, you bitch!" in Aliens? That was awesome.
Marion Cotillard (La Môme): I hope there will be some outgrabing.
Laura Linney (The Savages): I have literally no reaction to this movie title.
Ellen Page (Juno): This one either. I regret my choice of gimmick for this category.
Winner: Julie Christie
Best Supporting Actor (as described by whether or not I've seen the movie)
Casey Affleck (The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford): No
Javier Bardem (No Country for Old Men): Yes
Philip Seymour Hoffman (Charlie Wilson's War): No
Hal Holbrook (Into the Wild): No
Tom Wilkinson (Michael Clayton): Yes
Winner: Javier Bardem
Best Supporting Actress (as described by whether they'd make a good elf/witch)
Cate Blanchett (I'm Not There): Yes
Ruby Dee (American Gangster): No
Saoirse Ronan (Atonement): Yes (for the name)
Amy Ryan (Gone Baby Gone): No
Tilda Swinton (Michael Clayton): Yes
Winner: Cate Blanchett
Best Director (as described by how many people they are)
Paul Thomas Anderson: 1
Ethan and Joel Coen: 2
Tony Gilroy: 1
Jason Reitman: 1
Julien Schnabel: 1
Winner: Ethan and Joel Coen