Saturday, November 7, 2009

Saturday Schlock

What's better on a Saturday afternoon and evening than curling up on the couch with your loved one and watching a bunch of terrible movies? Nothing! So here's what we watched:

Escape 2000

This movie is really called “Turkey Shoot”. That’s the name it was originally shown under in Australia, and it’s the name in the movie when you watch the DVD. But it was released in the US as “Escape 2000”, and that’s a more Postapocalytipcal title. Seriously, there are like ten movies set “after the apocalypse” that have “2000” in the title.

It’s a prime example of Ozsploitation, which means that it’s full of things that people in 1980s Australia thought of. Like, it’s mostly a story of people stuck in a futuristic reeducation camp, but for some reason there’s a werewolf-mutant guy. He seems pretty well-mannered, though. His name is Alf. His presence doesn’t make any sense.

About half of the movie is the “turkey shoot” of the title. Well, one of the titles. The main four prisoners are set free to get chased by the sadistic weirdoes that run the camp, and a couple of them manage to kill their pursuers and get back to the camp. Then they kill about a hundred and fifty guards with machine guns and bazookas, which should certainly prove that they shouldn’t have been put in a prison for antisocial behavior. Then that Australian army bombs the whole camp, I guess.

Slithis

Okay. It’s sort of like The Host, in that it’s about a monster created by toxic waste. Except that it’s made incredibly amateurishly and contains approximately zero actors. Some of them, like this one policeman in a house, sound like they’ve learned their lines phonetically. And this other guy, who plays the chief of police (I think; I wasn’t paying that much attention until he showed up) puts in the most over-the-top performance in the history of “Trolls Under the Bridge: The Troll Story”. He’s got some sort of fake British accent going on, but it’s a lot like the Wayne’s World imitation of Leprechaun.

Slaughterhouse Rock

This starts with two “Omigosh it was only a dream!” scenes in a row. Awesome. And then it fills the rest of the movie with Horrible Visions by the main character. These Visions are accompanied by extremely shrill noises that require the television to be turned down. Anyway, they eventually lead Dull Main Guy and his pals Fratboy Jerks 1-3 and Vapid Screaming Girls 1-4 to sneak into Alcatraz and battle demons with the help of the ghost of a murdered heavy metal singer played by Toni Basil.

We got bored and didn’t finish watching it. Sorry.

The Terrornauts

This had a terrific trailer on the latest 42nd Street Forever collection. You know, the Alamo Drafthouse one. So we watched the movie, and it turns out not to be worth it. It’s one of those really boring British science fiction movies from the late sixties where a bunch of stodgy scientists stand around on one set for an hour talking about what it might look like if they actually travelled to another planet. When it eventually happens, the highlights are:

A) A crudely constructed robot covered in about twenty heating vents, and
B) A ridiculous alien that turns out to be an illusion.

Aside from that, strictly boresville, Daddy-O.

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